why are you really alone...

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

For the longest time, about 12 years now, I have been very content alone. I like to have companionship sometimes, but I prefer to be able to choose how often people are in my personal space. My kids are over 18 now and away from home. In my usual self, I would be very content. Very much at peace. But somehow, that is not what is happening. God is changing me. And instead of being at peace, I am lonely. Not alone, lonely. Definitely two different words. I know that I have God in the house with me. I actually have 3 cats also. They are very affectionate with me too. Jerry pulls my hair in the middle of the night and sleeps up by my head, just to let me know how much I am loved. I don't know how this thing happened. It seems as though it has creeped up on me slowly. Not all at once, but it seems like I am realizing it all at once.

Previously, I was alone because I chose to be. It is easy to find a man. Trust me. It is easy to find a man. It is even easy to keep one. They really don't want that much. A man usually has three basic needs. Food, Caregiving, and Sex. That is all they really want. They appreciate it when you are quiet, but they usually will deal with your mouth as long as the three needs are met. So I could have a man if that was the issue.

That is not the issue. The issue is when you want to do the will of God, but sometimes we have our own time line. Now I am not sure that I am the one that is off on the time line of God. It could be that the man He picks is. (I do recognize that it could be me.) For one thing, I am not used to having any emotions, then I get some, and have literally NO IDEA what you are supposed to do with them. In the past, I would ignore you most of the time. I didn't tell you what I wanted. I didn't tell you where I went. I didn't listen to much of what you had to say. Words were unnecessary because I was going to do what I wanted to anyways. So, now that I have all these emotions, are they to stay between me and Jesus? Am I supposed to tell everyone how all of a sudden screwed up I am?

Here is another thing. Just a short while ago, you couldn't tell me that I wasn't the most gorgeous thing you ever met. I was the best you ever would think about having and I knew it. But now, with this emotional person that I have become, somehow I have also become insecure. What in the world is that about??? How do you go from being the queen of the universe to being unsure someone could think you are attractive or a good person? Someone said to me recently that maybe I am becoming less prideful and more loving of someone else. (?????)

See, this is exactly why I need the man brain back. This here brain I am working with has got NO SENSE... it is crazy and delusional...