trust...

Psalms 25: 2 I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. 4 Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.

I lack trust... in pretty much everyone and everything... sometimes.. including God...

I have complete trust in God to provide for me.. He has shown me that over and over.. I have trust in Him to protect me... to love me... I even trust him with what I hear Him say about other people... if He told me that someone was good and kind.. I believe it.. if He told me that someone was sick.. even if they don't know it.. I believe it.. if He told me that someone would never get well again.. I believe it... if He tells me to do something.. even when it looks crazy.. I do it.. because I believe..

somehow.. when it comes to my own life... and what I see.. I am afraid to trust...

what if I have believed and I was wrong.. what if I am a complete fool... what if I am disgraced... what if...

what if what I thought was God's plan for my life never really was... what if He has another plan for me...

could I recover from the defeat? could I ever believe in what I hear again? could I ever trust the voice of God within me?

I don't know the answer to that... I know that I could not.. would not turn from God.. I will continue to serve Him.. I will continue to seek Him.. I will continue to try daily to live in His will... but I don't know if I could be sure that anything was ever again from God or from the desires of my own heart.. the thoughts in my mind...

strange that in the past I was so confident in myself that I didn't need to be confident in God or anything or anyone else... now.. it seems sometimes that I have nothing I am fully confident in... is that from God? I am unsure.. I am sure that I am completely dependent on Him to rescue me.. to change me... to love me when I am unloveable...

one thing is certain.. if I have seen right.. and it comes to pass.. I will have so much trust in God.. no one will ever be able to shake it again... no matter what...