I don't often write personal things on here anymore.. but today is an exception.. you see a few days ago my mother died... 

when I was very young my mother was the greatest person in the world to me.. truly I would not be who I am if not for her.. her relationship with God caused me to have a relationship with God.. and a very strong one... 

when I chose a man from another race.. she shut me out.. I could no longer come to family functions because it was too uncomfortable for the rest of the family.. because of the racial slur they put on me... she did not hold my family together when that happened.. instead she allowed the break... and slowly over years much of the family fell apart.. not just me... other family members no longer speak to one another over other issues.. 

we all have a choice in life about how we see things and what they do to us.. 

I choose to look at the wonderful woman my mother was while I was young and the great influence she was on me in my lifetime.. I sing songs to Isabella that she sang to me when I was just a baby... I sang them to my own kids.. these are all strong and positive memories.. 

I also choose to be someone who holds my family together rather than allowing it to fall apart if trouble arises... this is also something I learned from her.. but from a negative experience I choose to turn into a positive outcome... 

Rest With God Katheryn Fry.. I will always love you as the woman you were to me when I was young.. and I am very thankful for you making me the woman and the mother that I am because of you.. you were given to me by God intentionally for me to make my world a better place and I thank Him for giving you to me.. be at peace.. 

I read a devotional yesterday about people not finishing.. 

it suggested that often we start the race and intend to do all God called us to do.. but we get so tired.. this is not an easy task.. to remain in God's will.. to remain steadfast when you can't see.. to remain faithful when you hear nothing... see nothing.. feel nothing... 

if we read Job.. I wonder how on earth he stayed so focused on God despite God not speaking... despite friends telling him he had somehow brought this all on himself.. despite his wife being negative and miserable.. 

sometimes I fear I will not finish.. I fear I may not fulfill the call God has for me.. I may just give up and go back to living day to day doing nothing for the kingdom of God... not because I don't want to be all that He wants me to be.. really I do.. it is more about feeling like I just don't have what it takes to keep on keeping on... 

sighs...