Psalms 44: 9 But now you have tossed us aside in dishonor. You no longer lead our armies to battle. 10 You make us retreat from our enemies and allow those who hate us to plunder our land. 11  You have butchered us like sheep and scattered us among the nations. 12  You sold your precious people for a pittance, making nothing on the sale. 13  You let our neighbors mock us. We are an object of scorn and derision to those around us. 14  You have made us the butt of their jokes; they shake their heads at us in scorn. 15  We can’t escape the constant humiliation; shame is written across our faces. 16 All we hear are the taunts of our mockers. All we see are our vengeful enemies. 

17 All this has happened though we have not forgotten you. We have not violated your covenant. 18  Our hearts have not deserted you. We have not strayed from your path. 19 Yet you have crushed us in the jackal’s desert home.  You have covered us with darkness and death. 20 If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread our hands in prayer to foreign gods, 21 God would surely have known it, for he knows the secrets of every heart.

I feel I have been in a "Job" experience for about 4 years now.. while I don't claim to be right all the time or perfect I do believe I am completely trying (operative word trying) to live in the will of God... and yet for whatever reason.. my relationship with God is more distant than even when I was in the world... 

so what this tells me is this... God will be close to us to win us over... and intermittently be close through trials or troubles.. but I think that He pulls away sometimes.. apparently for years on end.. in order to determine are we really serious about Him being first in our lives or is it only when things are as we want them to be.. but I would say that even in this long long period of distance.. I still know He has not left me.. He still prospers me and cares for me.. He protects me and loves me... I can feel these things... 

I am sure this is a building up of my faith but I easily say it has been a long and hard road.. I will be overjoyed with gratitude when He decides to end this period of testing..

I see that I am not alone in this struggle by the scripture.. this has been going on for thousands of years.. and so anyone else that is also going through it can know that this too will pass... because the bible promises that joy will come one morning.. maybe not this morning.. but one morning.. 

stand strong.. believe.. that is all we can do..