so in the middle of the night I am reading 1 kings.. and it talks about solomon and says he only ever heard from God 2 times in his life! 

I think I just want God to keep talking to me over and over every day.. reassuring me and reminding me of what He already said.. and that is not His way.. He gives us a vision or a word.. and then He just is done talking about it.. with me.. He talked about it over a few months time and let me really believe it deep down.. then that was it.. now here I am all this time later wanting Him to keep reaffirming it.. and He is unwilling... 

I think because I have the gift of sight that God is supposed to just walk around and talk to me like we are best of friends.. clearly.. although He loves me.. He doesn't think all that is necessary... and there is nothing I can do but to trust Him and wait on Him to work it all out.. however He sees fit... either I believe or I don't.. apparently that part is on me..

Psalms 36: ⁵ Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. ⁶ Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. ⁷ How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. ⁸ You feed them from the abundance of your own house,letting them drink from your river of delights. ⁹ For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.

 

you know.. I think searching for someone to love us is one of the most important things to us... we want love very desperately... we are willing to do crazy things looking for love... sometimes even to the point where we could lose our lives...

 

just looking for love..

and God loved us more than a person ever could anyways.. all along..

 

I truly understand the desire to be loved... I have this desire myself.. but if this search for love took me away from the love of God.. or even just away from the will of God... then I don't need it...

I need love.. but I need God more... and His love is perfect to begin with...

Romans 2: 28For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. 29No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.

well somehow the jew vs gentile thing bothers me.. it always has.. I have always wanted to be one of the 'chosen race' although they have had a very hard time due to it.. but this scripture makes me feel better! LOL! stating that as long as our heart is right with God.. that makes us part of the chosen race.. 

it also states that a changed person seeks praise from God and not people... in that area.. many people who believe their heart to be right.. are stumbling around... I guess to be honest... we could all of us determine at least one or two people whose praise and acceptance we strive for... and while we know that is just human nature.. to long to be accepted and loved.. that is still apparently a problem if we put this desire for acceptance before God's acceptance of us... 

Romans 3: 29After all, is God the God of the Jews only? Isn’t he also the God of the Gentiles? Of course he is. 30There is only one God, and he makes people right with himself only by faith, whether they are Jews or Gentiles. 31Well then, if we emphasize faith, does this mean that we can forget about the law? Of course not! In fact, only when we have faith do we truly fulfill the law.

our faith is still all we really have going for us.. our belief in Christ as our savior.. no matter who we are.. what race.. that is the truth of all of us... 

Psalms 19: ¹² How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. ¹³Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.

I think our natural inclination is to defend ourselves.. to think we are great.. to think we are wonderful.. I know that I do this very naturally...
I don't intentionally do things to make myself look like a bad person... that wouldn't be natural I don't think... so I think we have many things abour ourselves that are hidden in our heart.. that we justify away and say that we had the right intention about...
never in this life will we be liked by everyone.. but if our hearts are pure.. then the right people for us will be drawn to us.. I believe sometimes the wrong in our hearts stops us from being who we are supposed to be... who we really do desire to be...
I pray daily that God will cleanse my heart.. because truly the heart is where the hidden issues within us lie... we can hide our actions.. but the heart is true to itself... from the heart is where the mean words and action come.. or the kind words and actions.. whatever is in the heart finds its way out.. I desire to be the person God would have me to be.. so I desire a right heart...
I doubt we will ever be all that we can be... but daily we can work our way towards it.. strange how we see so much wrong or sin in someone else.. but overlook the wrong within our own heart...
¹⁴ May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Proverbs 14: 12 There is a path before each person that seems right,  but it ends in death.

throughout our lives we have had people say that we will be surprised by who makes it to heaven and there will not be some people there that we were sure would be... 

what is it that makes us think that we are or are not on the right path? my thoughts are that we can only do what we feel God is leading us to do... many times God leads us yet we do not obey or follow.. yet we think that our 'clean' living will save us... will it?

recently I have looked at a person and felt they are far too flippant about sin.. yet this morning when I ask God about this.. how is this all right with God.. He says to me.. that I am far too flippant about calvary... and I know this is the truth... 

the bible says that David had the heart of God.. yet he murdered someone.. he was an adulterer... but he had the heart of God... 

it becomes clearer and clearer that our being right with God has far less to do with our actions than we realized... and far more to do with the condition of our heart.. and while we easily say that our heart is right... is it really? I find that my own heart is not as right as I would like it to be.. but I am unsure how you fix the condition of the heart... 

all I can do is fill myself with the word of God and pray that God will align my heart to be in sync with His...