what is the cost?

this morning I am defeated...

last week I realized that I don't need the Spirit to give me the 'good feeling'... I need the power of the Spirit... so... I fast... for three days.. seeking God and asking to be filled with the POWER of the Spirit of God... like Peter was...

and the fast ends on Sunday... and while in prayer at the altar... I 'feel' the power of God come upon me... and I don't yet realize the cost...

yesterday... I struggle HEAVILY with being tired and wanting to just walk away from all God says I am supposed to be... I want to go have a drink and as this is a PG rated blog... I will stop at that... today... I wake up crying and I don't want to do this anymore... I want to let go...

I feel fat, old, and ugly... miserable... I want to have a man make me feel like I am everything he is looking for... (?? unsure why that seems to be the constant struggle of a woman... must have something to do with the curse put on women at the fall...)

so I read some devotionals and some emails this morning... and I realize what is happening... I am being humbled... how weird... just a couple days ago I wondered just how much humiliation one woman has to endure... apparently LOTS... I am being humbled because if I enter into God's power full of pride... I will act as if the gifts and miracles are about me... I will not give all the glory to God...

and I think... ugh... why do I have to be fat and ugly to be humble???? why can't I be beautiful and humble?? what is up with that??

strangely... the bible says that Jesus was not attractive... I have never believed that... I thought He must have been the most handsome man ever... and built well... why? why would I think like that? God looks not upon the countenance of a man but upon the spirit of a man... so why is my spirit not good enough for me.. why do I struggle with needing to be outwardly attractive???

so if the cost of being all that God has called me to be in the kingdom of God... is my appearance... and I become unattractive... am I willing to pay the cost?... do I have any choice in what the cost is? (obviously not...) am I going to give even my looks over to God... do I have a choice in the matter??? how do I go forward in this?? am I willing to pay the cost....