the bible tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance of a person but looks at the heart... what does your heart look like really?

I have to be honest with myself and state that my heart is not looking too good right now and I am not sure God would choose me... I have been dealing with someone that is rude and disrespectful and I have come to not want anything to do with this person... more than that.. I see myself almost wishing harm on this person.. I don't think I would feel badly if something happened to them.. I can almost hear myself thinking that this was their just reward... 

well what if God gave me my just reward? would I still be alive to learn this lesson today? likely not... 

what is it that makes us think life should go great for us.. and some others too.. as long as they are not an issue to us.. but when they cause us havoc.. then we don't wish them well anymore.. well I think all of this is a natural response to being treated badly.. does that make it right? no... 

the true test of having the love of God for other people is to be able to pray blessings upon our enemies and wishing them well in spite of what they have done or how they are treating us... 

clearly I am still a work in progress.. thank you Lord for not giving up on me.. 

the bible says that women need to be loved and a man needs to be respected.. yet somehow we both sabotage our abilty to get that many times.. 

women sleep with men in the hopes that he will love her.. that he will love her and protect her for the rest of her life... 

men sleep with women in the hopes that he will never have to be attached to her.. so he treats her disrespectfully often times and then doesn't understand why she doesn't show him respect.. not only her.. but any woman that knows how he treats women in general... how do we respect a man that doesn't treat women with respect?

a man looks at a woman as easy because she sleeps with him looking for love.. so he doesn't respect her nor love her either one... 

for myself.. I have hurt men in the past because I was not allowing myself to get attached.. so I was just sleeping with them the way they sleep with women.. only I stayed with the same one... till they got retarded then I found someone else.. 

now.. I don't seem to be able to trust any man.. in any form.. 

I believe at the end of it all.. the only relationships that work out are the ones God put together.. so that is what it will need to be for me.. 

I was reading Genesis 3 last night and thinking... 

why did eve sin? what made her eat the fruit? 

I would say it was because she wanted to have something she felt she was missing out on.. 

if I think about this... when we sin.. it is because we are trying to get something more.. more attention.. more love.. more money.. more power.. more friends...

what makes us constantly want more? I have a happy life.. I have a great job.. I have family.. what more am I looking for?

to be honest with you it is sex.. or is it love on a personal level? I really am not sure.. I am not sure I can deal with someone in my private space all the time.. but I know I want to be intimate with someone.. but not only physically intimate.. I want someone to know me.. to be connected to me.. to love me all the time.. even when they don't like me so much... to not leave me... to not give up on me.. to value me enough to stay... 

and I know that God is all those things.. truly I am satisfied with God.. but I believe within us is the desire for communion with another person.. the bible says God created a woman because the man shouldn't be alone.. it wasn't good for him.. so I believe this is really God's plan for us... so why does it seem so elusive? 

this I don't have an answer for... I don't want sex.. I want love.. I want to give love and receive it back... sighs... 

and I am believing because this is God's will for mankind.. that He will put me in a relationship to have this.. in Jesus name.. 

Luke 1: 45 "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

I looked at this verse a few days ago and was saddened and encouraged both at the same time.. 

it is HARD.. to stand on a promise from God for YEARS.. when you can't see anything that looks like what He said... 

I am saddened that so many days I feel like I must have heard my own thoughts in my head and not God's voice.. even though this is nothing I would choose.. maybe I don't know my own thoughts is what I think sometimes.. 

I am encouraged.. because God never lets me completely give up or forget what He said to me.. what He said my purpose in this life is... I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me.. even on the days I give up on what He said.. 

I read a devotional today about a woman thinking to connect with God and receive His promises it is not about what we do every day FOR God or thinking we are doing for Him.. it is about seeing Him in our every day lives.. and communicating and connecting with Him in that.. 

so many times we think it is the work that we do that connects us to God.. our service.. it isn't.. we serve because we love Him and want to give back to Him what He has given us.. 

I thank God for the purpose He has given me for my life.. even tho I feel like I am getting awfully old to make a difference now.. but more than that.. I thank Him for being here for me.. for loving me.. for being my everything... 

Laying in this bed thinking how truly happy I am. 

I remember being a teenager and feeling so alone. Thinking no one loves me. I remember being a wife and feeling so alone. Thinking no one loves me. 

Now I am alone but I don't feel alone. Gods love is everything. I have peace. I am truly happy in my life. Truly grateful for all he has given me. 

Psalms 144 1 Praise the Lord, who is my rock. He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle.2 He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer. He is my shield, and I take refuge in him. He makes the nations submit to me.

 3 O Lord, what are human beings that you should notice them, mere mortals that you should think about them? 4 For they are like a breath of air; their days are like a passing shadow. 

5 Open the heavens, Lord, and come down. Touch the mountains so they billow smoke. 6 Hurl your lightning bolts and scatter your enemies! Shoot your arrows and confuse them! 7 Reach down from heaven and rescue me; rescue me from deep waters, from the power of my enemies. 8 Their mouths are full of lies; they swear to tell the truth, but they lie instead. 

9 I will sing a new song to you, O God! I will sing your praises with a ten-stringed harp. 10 For you grant victory to kings! You rescued your servant David from the fatal sword.

I read this psalm last night and the commentary said that biblical kings were warriors.. that a physical battle was a form of worship.. you were trusting God to defeat the enemy for you.. even though the king and the army were the ones fighting.. 

to relate this to ourselves.. we are daily in a spiritual battle.. do we worship God while we are in this battle? or do we whine and complain about how tired we are and we want it to be over? are we trusting God to fight with us and for us? or are we doing all of this in our own might and getting nowhere?

are we becoming closer to God while in battle? or are we becoming more distant?

turn your focus off the fight.. off whatever you feel is weighing down on you.. put that focus on God.. on how He has carried you through time after time.. begin right now to trust Him and know He will bring you out of this fight too.. and we will be victorious.. in Jesus name.. 

I am thinking about some things today... 

I wonder why so many women that are waiting on God are still alone.. doesn't the bible tell us that it isn't good for us to be alone? so I wonder why God would leave us alone so long sometimes.. and we don't want to go out and choose someone on our own because that is surely going to be a disaster... 

I wonder if in biblical times there were alot of unmarried women also.. we don't hear anything about that because in that time women were first of all property.. but also men didn't want daughters.. they wanted men.. male heirs.. well I'm sorry to let them know that in order to continue to have male heirs through generations you also have to have daughters for that to happen... 

women were put in arranged marriages at young ages.. what we would today feel is statutory rape.. and they stayed in these marriages all of their lives regardless of the situation.. do we walk away from marriage to easily today?

is one of the issues the fact that so many women believe they were called to ministry? so they are out here leading rather than submitting? 

is our lack of submission one of our real issues in why we can't be in relationships? we are always thinking of what we won't deal with.. what we aren't putting up with.. and we sit here alone and wonder why... 

now don't get me wrong.. I don't think we are to stay in an abusive relationship.. but we leave for everything today.. do we even know what we are supposed to be looking for in a man? are we actually looking for man traits in a man? or are we maybe expecting a man to act more like a woman? be emotional and supportive... 

are we our own worst enemy...............