Matthew 6: 19-21 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

reading this today... I am thinking of the desires of my heart.. what is it that we are constantly striving for? what is the thing you want so desperately but don't have? 

isn't that what we tend to consider the desires of our hear? I would think so because our mind is focused on it much of the time whatever it might be.... and whatever it is.. it is likely something of this earth.. now it doesn't have to be a bad thing.. it can be something God is calling us to.. like his purpose for us.. but when that thing takes over our peace and our contentment in God.. then it stops being about him and has become about us.. 

what if you desire to be married or have children.. this is a good thing.. it is in the bible that it is not good for us to be alone and children are blessings from God.. but when that desire consumes you it becomes about this world I am thinking.. 

but if we could learn to live day by day.. trusting that what God leads us to is good for us.. then we are content and at peace and storing treasures in heaven rather than on this earth.. 

somehow.. all that we do or don't do needs to be about God's desires for us.. not our own desires.. but that is a hard thing to overcome.. the selfish and human nature of us... 

anxiety is the most amazing thing.. 

I am not a worrier.. or at least I never have been.. I am a ahhhh.. Jesus will work it out somehow .. type of person... 

yet now... the dumbest stuff stresses me out.. and it is stuff I know that I really don't care about and is not a big deal.. yet I am panicking about it... 

I hate anxiety... 

ok... so I am thinking alot this week... 

I am thinking about the role of a woman... 

I think much of her role is to show unconditional love.. look at all of us.. it seems God gives every woman someone to love unconditionally regardless of how they treat us.. 

this world keeps telling us about all we deserve and what we should put up with or not put up with.. is this anywhere in the bible as a way to act? do you see Jesus ever living with the mind of self preservation? I don't think so... 

we learn to love by being broken by love I believe.. we have a choice to become bitter in the breaking or become better in the learning and giving of ourselves. I choose to be better. 

the bible tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance of a person but looks at the heart... what does your heart look like really?

I have to be honest with myself and state that my heart is not looking too good right now and I am not sure God would choose me... I have been dealing with someone that is rude and disrespectful and I have come to not want anything to do with this person... more than that.. I see myself almost wishing harm on this person.. I don't think I would feel badly if something happened to them.. I can almost hear myself thinking that this was their just reward... 

well what if God gave me my just reward? would I still be alive to learn this lesson today? likely not... 

what is it that makes us think life should go great for us.. and some others too.. as long as they are not an issue to us.. but when they cause us havoc.. then we don't wish them well anymore.. well I think all of this is a natural response to being treated badly.. does that make it right? no... 

the true test of having the love of God for other people is to be able to pray blessings upon our enemies and wishing them well in spite of what they have done or how they are treating us... 

clearly I am still a work in progress.. thank you Lord for not giving up on me.. 

the bible says that women need to be loved and a man needs to be respected.. yet somehow we both sabotage our abilty to get that many times.. 

women sleep with men in the hopes that he will love her.. that he will love her and protect her for the rest of her life... 

men sleep with women in the hopes that he will never have to be attached to her.. so he treats her disrespectfully often times and then doesn't understand why she doesn't show him respect.. not only her.. but any woman that knows how he treats women in general... how do we respect a man that doesn't treat women with respect?

a man looks at a woman as easy because she sleeps with him looking for love.. so he doesn't respect her nor love her either one... 

for myself.. I have hurt men in the past because I was not allowing myself to get attached.. so I was just sleeping with them the way they sleep with women.. only I stayed with the same one... till they got retarded then I found someone else.. 

now.. I don't seem to be able to trust any man.. in any form.. 

I believe at the end of it all.. the only relationships that work out are the ones God put together.. so that is what it will need to be for me.. 

I was reading Genesis 3 last night and thinking... 

why did eve sin? what made her eat the fruit? 

I would say it was because she wanted to have something she felt she was missing out on.. 

if I think about this... when we sin.. it is because we are trying to get something more.. more attention.. more love.. more money.. more power.. more friends...

what makes us constantly want more? I have a happy life.. I have a great job.. I have family.. what more am I looking for?

to be honest with you it is sex.. or is it love on a personal level? I really am not sure.. I am not sure I can deal with someone in my private space all the time.. but I know I want to be intimate with someone.. but not only physically intimate.. I want someone to know me.. to be connected to me.. to love me all the time.. even when they don't like me so much... to not leave me... to not give up on me.. to value me enough to stay... 

and I know that God is all those things.. truly I am satisfied with God.. but I believe within us is the desire for communion with another person.. the bible says God created a woman because the man shouldn't be alone.. it wasn't good for him.. so I believe this is really God's plan for us... so why does it seem so elusive? 

this I don't have an answer for... I don't want sex.. I want love.. I want to give love and receive it back... sighs... 

and I am believing because this is God's will for mankind.. that He will put me in a relationship to have this.. in Jesus name.. 

Luke 1: 45 "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

I looked at this verse a few days ago and was saddened and encouraged both at the same time.. 

it is HARD.. to stand on a promise from God for YEARS.. when you can't see anything that looks like what He said... 

I am saddened that so many days I feel like I must have heard my own thoughts in my head and not God's voice.. even though this is nothing I would choose.. maybe I don't know my own thoughts is what I think sometimes.. 

I am encouraged.. because God never lets me completely give up or forget what He said to me.. what He said my purpose in this life is... I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me.. even on the days I give up on what He said.. 

I read a devotional today about a woman thinking to connect with God and receive His promises it is not about what we do every day FOR God or thinking we are doing for Him.. it is about seeing Him in our every day lives.. and communicating and connecting with Him in that.. 

so many times we think it is the work that we do that connects us to God.. our service.. it isn't.. we serve because we love Him and want to give back to Him what He has given us.. 

I thank God for the purpose He has given me for my life.. even tho I feel like I am getting awfully old to make a difference now.. but more than that.. I thank Him for being here for me.. for loving me.. for being my everything...