someone that works for the company I work for committed suicide recently... this is a young person... I think about this and I cannot fathom what would make a person with alot of their life still in front of them consider taking their own life... now don't be confused.. I don't have the fear of death that many people have.. even when I was just a little girl I always told Jesus that I am ready to go live with Him whenever He is ready for me... but I also do not imagine I would ever think something could drive me to take my life either.. what on earth could be so bad that you wouldn't want to wake up? and why wouldn't you walk away from whatever it is?? I have no understanding... 

I have lived through a violent marriage.. I walked away even though he tried to kill me after I left... because nothing is worth me being afraid of you.. whoever you are.. I stayed as long as I did because I know that children need both a father and a mother.. but when the negative out-weighs the positive.. then it is time to let it go.. 

my family walked away from me because I prefer black men to white men.. how ridiculous is that? aren't people just people under all the outside covering? how would your forsake a relationship with your daughter or sister due to hatred and anger? that is crazy to me... but.. I walked away because it wasn't going to depress me and have me feeling some type of way about me.. 

I have lived many years alone.. I could be feeling sorry for myself.. I could be feeling like I have never been loved and never will be.. but Jesus loves me.. and He loves me better than any man or mother or family member ever could.. so why would I go around upset when I have the greatest love possible?

whoever you are... your life has value... God has a purpose for you even if you don't know it yet.. it will run straight into you when the time is right... don't ever imagine you are not loved.. just ask God to show you His love for you.. I promise you that He will and you will feel more loved than people ever could have made you feel... you are worth more than you know... you touch someone's life every day... it can be in a positive way.. you can be the one to make other's happy and thereby making yourself happy... I promise you this is true... 

love yourself!! you are worth it!! 

Philippians 4: 13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

I am finding in speaking with people that the majority of people are not happy... 

as I look over my own life... there was a time where I was so negative and so miserable.. all around unhappy... and while it is true that I was going through bad circumstances.. the circumstances weren't really the problem.. my thoughts were the problem... 

Philippians 4: 8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

if I were able to see good.. and overcome the negative and depressing thoughts then I would not be downcast.. sometimes we look at someone who is always looking on the bright side and we think they have not lived through anything.. 

maybe the truth of it is that they have lived through enough to learn to see God in every situation.. to see that God will work all things for the good of those who love Him... so see that God is a good God and when the time is right He will change the situation... 

I am believing that if I were to go through the things I went through years ago.. now my mind and my walk with God are strong enough that I will not be sucked under by depression and misery... I pray this is the truth... 

1 Kings 9: 2 Then the Lordappeared to Solomon a second time, as he had done before at Gibeon. 3 TheLord said to him, “I have heard your prayer and your petition. I have set this Temple apart to be holy—this place you have built where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart. 4 “As for you, if you will follow me with integrity and godliness, as David your father did, obeying all my commands, decrees, and regulations, 5 then I will establish the throne of your dynasty over Israel forever. For I made this promise to your father, David: ‘One of your descendants will always sit on the throne of Israel.’ 6 “But if you or your descendants abandon me and disobey the commands and decrees I have given you, and if you serve and worship other gods,7 then I will uproot Israel from this land that I have given them. I will reject this Temple that I have made holy to honor my name. I will make Israel an object of mockery and ridicule among the nations. 8 And though this Temple is impressive now, all who pass by will be appalled and will gasp in horror. They will ask, ‘Why did the Lord do such terrible things to this land and to this Temple?’ 9 “And the answer will be, ‘Because his people abandoned the Lord their God, who brought their ancestors out of Egypt, and they worshiped other gods instead and bowed down to them. That is why the Lord has brought all these disasters on them.’”

I was reading this last night and had several thoughts.. one was the heartbreak that we cause God.. God is so good to us.. yet He constantly seems to have to remind us to keep Him first in our lives.. we learn that things go badly when we put anything before God.. yet we somehow still continually struggle not to do it.. I just don't understand us.. I am not talking about someone else.. I am talking about me.. I battle this too.. and I have no idea why.. it seems as if unless my life is almost empty of people then I battle to keep God first.. why would that be necessary?.. why couldn't I be close with people and still have God at the forefront? idk.. I pray He will give me relationship and allow me to work this out over time.. not take relationships away right away while I am learning to figure this out.. 

the other thing I thought about is we think we hear from God all the time.. (myself included again) and the bible says that solomon only heard from God twice in his life... different people in the bible only heard from God a few times.. somehow we (me) think God is to talk to us every day.. reassuring us.. just talking.. 

now let me clarify this.. I believe God leads us and speaks to us from the bible.. from the Holy Spirit also.. but as far as big messages from God.. as for direction in our lives or purpose or that type of thing.. I am thinking those messages are only heard once or twice in a lifetime maybe... 

I think I need to be very careful to hear God's voice about my life and not my own... 

but I am so thankful for the voice of God.. the leading of the Holy Spirit.. the word of God.. the relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit on a day to day basis... 

Romans 7: 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

the longer I live for God completely... the less I live in sin... this doesn't mean that I am not sinning.. it means for me that I am no longer usually intentionally sinning.. it is not a planned choice like it used to be in the past... 

daily my thoughts are to bring glory to God.. to be pleasing to His eyes.. and that is what I am striving for.. yet occassionally things will pop up that I don't respond to right.. I react instead of acting.. I don't wait until the moment has passed and think about what I am going to say in response.. these are my usual sins... 

then you have things we don't like to think of as sin... like putting something else before God.. like not obeying in the small things we don't want to do... not serving God as we should be.. not tithing... staying angry and bitter against someone longer than we should... 

we will never be all that Christ has created us to be.. but daily as we continue to walk closely with Him.. we should be transformed to look more like Him and less like our past.. and for this I am thankful.. 

proverbs 19: 13A foolish child is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping. 14Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the lord can give an understanding wife.

women don't really understand the power they have in this world.. we tend to use our looks or sex as a means to getting our way... this is really not something that will last... 

when we sit and argue all the time about nothing it causes our mates to just block us out.. now trust me.. I realize this is one of the hardest lessons a woman can ever learn.. first of all because we are usually sure we are right... secondly because it is just annoying when someone doesn't want to hear you just because you are usually right... BUT.. if we can stop arguing.. stop talking at all really... then a man will begin to hear your voice.. maybe even start to want to hear you talk... and then be able to hear what you are saying... 

this scripture says that only God can give an understanding wife.. I believe this is true because most women are talkers just for the sake of hearing ourselves talk.. and we are arguers.. but most men don't want to hear either of these things.. so if we allow God to change us into a woman He desires us to be.. we will be less talkative.. less argumentative.. and far more understanding... because that come from God... 

Lord help me be the woman you desire for me to become.. not the one that life created... amen.

1 samuel 14: 24 Now the men of Israel were pressed to exhaustion that day, because Saul had placed them under an oath, saying, “Let a curse fall on anyone who eats before evening—before I have full revenge on my enemies.” So no one ate anything all day, 25 even though they had all found honeycomb on the ground in the forest. 26 They didn’t dare touch the honey because they all feared the oath they had taken.

27 But Jonathan had not heard his father’s command, and he dipped the end of his stick into a piece of honeycomb and ate the honey. After he had eaten it, he felt refreshed.[f] 28 But one of the men saw him and said, “Your father made the army take a strict oath that anyone who eats food today will be cursed. That is why everyone is weary and faint.”

29 “My father has made trouble for us all!” Jonathan exclaimed. “A command like that only hurts us. See how refreshed I am now that I have eaten this little bit of honey. 30 If the men had been allowed to eat freely from the food they found among our enemies, think how many more Philistines we could have killed!”

42 Then Saul said, “Now cast lots again and choose between me and Jonathan.” And Jonathan was shown to be the guilty one.43 “Tell me what you have done,” Saul demanded of Jonathan. "I tasted a little honey,” Jonathan admitted. “It was only a little bit on the end of my stick. Does that deserve death?” 44 “Yes, Jonathan,” Saul said, “you must die! May God strike me and even kill me if you do not die for this.”

45 But the people broke in and said to Saul, “Jonathan has won this great victory for Israel. Should he die? Far from it! As surely as the Lord lives, not one hair on his head will be touched, for God helped him do a great deed today.” So the people rescued Jonathan, and he was not put to death.

​I have read this several times in my lifetime.. but when I read it recently it caused me to think about our words... we don't really think when we speak many times.. too often we say things that bring curses and we don't even know we have done it.. we might tell someone they are stupid or fat or ugly... we might tell someone we hope they die... 

we speak death and destruction day after day and the enemy has allowed us to view it under the lens of joking or teasing... 

then what happens when someone stops seeing themselves as valuable and beautiful.. all because of words we have said and didn't even mean.... 

how many curses have we spoken unknowingly.. just like saul did... ​

2 kings 15: 3He did what was pleasing in the lord’s sight, just as his father, Amaziah, had done. 4But he did not destroy the pagan shrines, and the people still offered sacrifices and burned incense there. 5The lord struck the king with leprosy, which lasted until the day he died. He lived in isolation in a separate house. The king’s son Jotham was put in charge of the royal palace, and he governed the people of the land.

Uzziah was pleasing to God.. why then would God strike him with leprosy and cause him to be separated.. living in isolation?

I think we really don't know God.. we see God as someone who does all that we want Him to do... plans out our lives in ways to make us happy everyday.. having everything we want... 

well I think we need to read the old testament as much as we read the new testament... we need to see that everything God does is for the good and the furthering of His kingdom.. now what we want or think or desire.. 

God loves you every day.. more than you love yourself even.. but that is not going to make everything easy and happy... not always.. and sometime.. depending on His plan for you specifically.. it might never be that way... but it is still for your good.. to make you the person He created you to be.. to fulfill the plan that He has for your life in His kingdom... 

so how was the leprosy for Uzziah's good? possibly the whole purpose was so that others who read the bible can see that life is not always easy.. we are not always healed.. we are not always prosperous.. we are not always what we want to be.. but we are always exactly what God planned out for us to be.. and because of what our purpose is.. others can look at our lives and see something in their own lives of value too... 

we always live for someone else's benefit.. and God will work out His perfect will and purpose in our lives.. every time..